Sweet Surrender

I’m always doing things backwards. Act first, think later. Of course my first thought is always “now WHY did I do THAT?” And then there’s the other side of me that refuses to take a micro step until I know (and understand) everything there is to know about something. And I mean EVERYTHING.

That might explain my lack of interest in “all things spiritual” for the better part of my life. If anyone asked me what I believed in, the most accurate answer would be “nothing”. The only thing that I knew to exist was my own little reality, and it wasn’t always pretty. Still I prayed at times, mostly when the chips were down- and I mean REALLY down. Even then, I wasn’t sure “to whom” I was actually praying.

Nearly two years ago, in the throes of a downward spiral, I fought to hold myself and my business together- by a thread. The harder I held onto that thread the more everything seemed to unravel. My mental state was deteriorating, I was sure that I was dying, and in my heart of hearts I knew….


That’s when I started seeking Him. I was searching really, REALLY hard. I prayed day after day, and night after night. I talked to people who knew God, and THEY prayed.

The first answer came unexpectedly. An amazing friend called and offered me a place to stay for a week so that I could detox, and I gratefully agreed. I would be in a safe, alcohol-free, and comfortable environment, with her companionship and support.

On the eve of my departure my mind was racing. I was plagued by doubt, and was mentally preparing to call off the trip. It had taken me eight years to build my business and, although it had already started to crumble, I couldn’t bear to see it crash. I knew that if I left, abandoning what remained, I would be sure to lose it all.

That’s when I first felt the hands of God reach down on me. I had this moment of clarity. A total thought shift. My business didn’t matter. Nothing but sobriety mattered. I HAD to go. I was never so sure of anything in my life. My worries melted away, I felt a wonderful sense of calm, and I slept peacefully.

For the first time in my life, I surrendered.

Next Up: Hearing God’s Whisper

Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your Heart. -Jeremiah 29:12-13

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