If I had to sum up how or why I took the wrong road, I’d say it was because I had no faith or belief in God. To make matters worse, I had no direction, no plans, and no goals.
I was a walking, breathing, empty vessel… easily tossed around and swayed by whatever (or whomever) was around.
I just existed.
That’s how the chameleon came to be. It was never intentional. I was a shy and quiet girl, from a perfectly normal family, who JUST wanted to fit in and be liked.
I started becoming someone that I was NOT in junior high, when I entered the world of cliques. I never fit perfectly into any one of the groups. To survive that excruciating experience, all I could do was pretend that I wasn’t petrified. I started acting cool.
Coolness came with a price. It meant parties… with drinking, and recreational drugs. It also meant failing my classes, in spite of the fact that I was perfectly capable of passing with excellent grades. I was afraid to expose the fact that I was fairly intelligent; for fear that they would oust me from the cool club. How weird is that?!
You know… perception is funny. As I’m writing this, it makes me wonder. Where on earth did I get the idea that being cool meant doing those things, anyway? Is that a preconceived notion I had, or did someone tell me that?
See… that’s what I mean about my people pleasing and the imaginary THEY’s that I was trying to please. As I think back on my life, it seems that much of my trying to fit in was based on my own assumptions of what people wanted from me. That’s just ludicrous!
Once the partying started it was life at full-throttle, in a sense, and the next thing you know I’m in that stinking marriage surrounded by booze- and drugs that will keep me alert so that I can keep drinking the booze- and I’m completely… and utterly lost.
I’ll tell you something. I’m literally experiencing, right now, what I wrote about before- about writing being powerful. I’m STILL discovering things from my past that are helping me see my mistakes, or where I made the wrong turns.
It makes me think about the enemy. He really DOES whisper to us. He’s been wanting me sick, or dead, for a LONG time. I never realized that he’s been chasing me since way back then, and filling my head with all sorts of lies.
That’s all I could write today. Like I said before, best advice I could give anyone, aside from seek God, is write about your life. You learn all sorts of crazy things.