This post might not make much sense to anyone who hasn’t been following the story. If you’d like to read it, in it’s entirety, the beginning is here.
It’s been two weeks since I wrote part seven of the Confessions series, yet it feels like months!
Time is really different these days. I used to blink an eye and somehow years had passed. Now, what seems like eons to me is merely a few days or weeks. I love that!
When I left off… I had discovered that my wrongful, negative opinion of myself during adolescence had lingered on (although subconsciously) and was perhaps a major cause of my self-destructive behavior throughout life.
Looking back at my story truly IS like watching a movie. I see confusion and struggles, hope and triumphs… all spiraling around chaotically… until finally… everything merges together, and the glorious climax is produced. That feel good moment, when it all comes together and makes sense.
That’s how I see it anyway.
Confessions: Forgiving ME
Shortly after writing A Child of God, I proceeded to do steps four and five of the program, which requires you to write down your resentments, find your own fault in these matters, and then share these thoughts with another human being (my sponsor).
It was extremely difficult to list resentments, because I rarely hold a grudge. I’m truly an optimist, so I’ve always looked for the good in every situation, and I’m really good at just moving on. Honestly, and sadly, there is but ONE person that I’ve ever felt real hatred towards. And I had already forgiven him.
I wish I could write about all that went on during my marriage- how one person could disrupt the life of-and torment another human being- while living together, AND in the five to ten years following. But, even if I COULD document it all, I wouldn’t share it here. I’m pretty sure that’s not what God would want.
I spent time on my inventory and came up with a pretty good list of what I considered to be my part. Obviously, it takes TWO to tango. So, I listed my faults. How I had been so hateful and how I had reacted in anger, and behaved badly myself. Like I said before, I’ve always been Re-active, not Pro-active. That whole era was nothing but a recipe for disaster.
Sitting down with my sponsor was nerve racking- mainly because I also had to do a sex inventory. That was NOT pretty. I mean it wasn’t UGLY… it was just LONG. Sorry, I have to be honest here. Sex & love were intertwined (as far as I had ever known), and I was a LOVE addict– so it’s pretty self-explanatory.
It was a gorgeous day when I met with my sponsor. We sat outside, on the covered patio of her home which was nestled in the beautiful Hills of Hollywood. Holding tight to a can of soda with my somewhat clammy hands… I proceeded to tell her my story.
Finally… we got around to my marriage, and it was time to share MY part.
I had mentally prepared myself to hear her thoughts; about how the role I had played was much bigger or much worse than what I was willing to admit, about how terribly I had acted, and how selfishly I’d behaved.
So, when I started giving her the rundown and she interrupted me, I was ready for the one-two punch. Shaking her head gently, and speaking with her usual soft tone, she said… “No Janet. That’s not it.”
Then, with three little words… she changed my whole perspective.
“You picked him.”
What?!? I don’t know. I feel embarrassed even writing that because I’ve always considered myself to be a pretty smart woman. Why had I never thought of that? Blinded by my own thoughts and perceptions perhaps??
I wish I could give you a visual of my feelings that day. It was very similar to stumbling on the word angst that day when I was writing about my inner child. Only this time, it was like the weight of the world, that had somehow taken up residency on my shoulders, was magically dissolving… and drifting away… like little musical notes… floating up to the heavens (like my photo of the falling leaves!).
It’s safe to say that I had been holding on to a TON of guilt. I had made many mistakes during my marriage and there was no way I could ever go back and undo what I had done, and that guilt must have been eating away at my soul for years.
What I realized that day with my sponsor is that I really HAD forgiven him…
…but I had never forgiven MYSELF.
So, God’s timing was perfect. Within a matter of weeks I was embracing and loving my inner child, and now- with the help of my sponsor- I saw that the biggest mistake I had made in regards to that horrible marriage… was entering into it in the first place. And it was true!
I KNEW something was wrong from the very beginning. My gut had given me so MANY warnings, and I had ignored ALL of the red flags. And no, her words didn’t change things, but it changed how I looked at those things.
My eyes were opening up… and I was beginning to see LIGHT!
Coming next in my journaling series… I AM WHOLE
I’m not going to make estimates on timeframes or how many chapters this story will be anymore. It’s obvious I haven’t done a good job at that. And…it’s actually a never ending story… so I’ll just leave it at that.