Smoke and Mirrors

My featured image, and something that’s been on my mind the last couple of days is Smoke & Mirrors. I know… it looks like a bird and a cloud. 😉

I took both shots yesterday, separately. The crow was surrounded by the haze above the city, and the cloud was right above where I stood. I pieced them together and did a little liquefy near the corners, so it looks a little like smoke.

Nevertheless… the photograph isn’t 100% authentic… which brings me to the point of smoke and mirrors. Or… my thoughts on authenticity. This might end up being long, so if you’re not inclined to reading my stories… I hope you like the image. 😉

It is late, and I am tired… so my apologies if it sounds like I am rambling.

Something has been bothering me. I know I’ve shared many thoughts here- but it’s always felt like I was simply scratching the surface.

In eight days I will hit my one year mark. 365 days of sobriety. At the moment, I am not working. I think I’ve made that clear, but I’ve never really said it out loud because I really don’t like the sound of it.

I AM however, attempting to learn more and more about photography, which is the direction I want to go… so it’s not like I’m sitting around on my derrière doing nothing.

Being without work is new to me. I’ve worked since I was sixteen, raised three sons, was an excellent employee for 27 years, and sustained a business for almost 10 years after that. And now… I am sober, and I’m recovering.

What’s been eating away at my joy is NOT my worry about “what the future will bring”… but the fact that I feel the need to talk about it in the first place!

I feel this pressure well up inside because- deep down- I think that people won’t believe I actually have this so-called new life unless they see proof. You know…external signs. Signs of progress. Or… better yet, success.

That’s the REAL issue. My reason for feeling stuck is that I can’t prove to you what is inside of me. I can’t show it to anyone. Internally…I am content. I am sober, I have joy, and I have peace. I have a new life. I love God, I love my friends, and I love my church. And I love blogging, and this blogging community.

My goal in starting this blog, or actually in chronicling my journey- which started long before my blog- was to share the story of my transformation. I guess I’ve been tiptoeing around these days because I’ve been believing that something needs to HAPPEN, so that I can show some form of proof… and I can end the story!

It’s that trap again… molded by what I think the world expects of me.

I hope that makes sense.

After a huge time out today, and lots of thought…I realized that I’ve been looking at things all wrong (again). There are people who have a lot, but are empty and miserable. And there are people who don’t have much, but are whole and happy.

And I am whole, and I am happy! I have Jesus! I am loved, and will always be loved!

And… I am sober!

End of story.

Oh… my journey will continue… but NOW I can just be me. What a relief. I’ll find my way out there in the world, making a living… but that was never what I came here to talk about.

I just want to share my joy with others, some photos, and a few stories here and there.

And some love. ♥

Blessings! I feel much better now. In fact, I feel like I could fly……. 🙂