of Hope
RDP Thursday:
verb: care for and encourage the growth or development of.
noun: the process of caring for and encouraging the growth or development of someone or something.
My featured image is kind of random! I did so many assignments in the past semester that the rebel in me has been fighting to break free and do something that’s just “because.” No judgement, no grade.
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Late last night, as I pondered what to write about in my next post, the question “what are you trying to accomplish here?” came to mind.
I thought about how my blog started—how I wanted to share the story of my recovery, and offer words of “hope” to other people who were still suffering—and then I thought about how the subject matter has twisted, turned, and evolved over time.
I wondered if certain words that I’ve written were (or were not) necessary; whether or not they conveyed anything “positive or uplifting” to the person they might reach, or if they were just “filler.”
The bottom line is that I want to write words that matter, and I critique my words harshly… reprimanding myself at times for being hasty; not thinking things through carefully, or failing to do my very best. I think it boils down to two things: impatience and perfectionism. I always feel rushed—like there’s some ‘imaginary’ deadline I have to meet—so I zig zag around to get things done at warp speed and then, sometime later, I look back to question everything and point out the imperfections.
Needless to say, the only thing that emerged from all of my overthinking was a bunch of unnecessary stress.
As I laid down to rest, I did what comes naturally now…
I surrendered.
I listened to my music, turned everything over to God… and I allowed my body to relax… as the tears rolled down my cheeks. They weren’t tears of sadness or frustration, mind you; they were tears of peace, tears of joy, and tears of love. Surrender will do that.
For today’s Which Way Challenge, I decided to use this photo because it reminded me that striving too hard, or failing to surrender, is like trying to force your way through rush hour traffic. You can push and prod, change lanes frequently, honk your horn… and even shout obscenities, but the fact of the matter is you won’t really get too far. Plus you’ll suffer from self-inflicted stress, and probably piss off other drivers in the process.
Surrender, on the other hand, reminds me of my road trips. I know it will be a long journey, I know I’ll run into traffic, and I welcome the unexpected detours. I relax, play my music, go with the flow… and soak in the scenery.
And if anyone asks me which way I’m going, I answer “hmmm… I don’t know… wherever the road takes me…”
Peace & Love—
—Janet
Which Way Challenge: January 24th
The strongest position you can be in is complete surrender.
I used to feel invisible, and I was empty inside.
You wouldn’t know it by looking at me though, as I was beautifully bedecked with many embellishments. Coolness was probably the first (and the cheapest) ornament that I picked up, and it stuck to me no matter what I did. Of all of the decorations that I collected through the years, coolness was also probably the most vocal. “Be cool,” it would whisper, “just act like you don’t care.”
Shortly thereafter, I found the spirit (the liquid kind), and I discovered that consuming that spirit brought about all kinds of shiny garlands. My penetrating fears were veiled by courage, and in time I acquired pride as well. Courage came and went freely, but a healthy dose of the spirit usually prompted it to run back home, and sit boldly on its wobbly throne.
Pride, on the other hand, attached itself firmly. If the spirit was low, or courage seemed to be lost, pride would encourage arrogance, or feed on other things to help it grow. It treasured success, money, and even “things.” Eventually… pride started flirting with greed, and it seemed as though we never had enough—of anything. Sometimes I think the two of them were in bed together from the very beginning.
Soon all of these trimmings lost their sheen, and I became convinced that if I found love—the “one”—I would be garnished perfectly. Love was the ultimate frill, the tantalizing tinsel that I really needed. I was sure of it! The search went on… and on… but my efforts proved disastrous.
In a tragic whirlwind, I caught a glimpse of myself one day and realized that I was nowhere to be found. Swallowed up by my decorations—and drowning in the spirit—I was still invisible. That void inside of me was still there, hollower than ever, and not one of those adornments could save me.
That’s when I found you; free for the taking and ready to move in—without question. Unlike that temporal spirit that I used to devour, you filled that void with your spirit, and it was sturdy and concrete… something I’d never known before.
I couldn’t see it, but I felt it.
Since then, my life has never been the same. There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not overflowing with gratitude and joy. Sure, I still get caught up in old habits and start festooning myself with things that seem glitzy and glamorous… that’s human nature.
But, as quickly as they come, these trappings fade away. Each time they do, I’m adorned with nothing but my childlike faith. There is no emptiness though… because you are always still there—my unshakable rock—holding me up, and keeping me strong.
And I am no longer invisible… I am clothed in love.
God loves each of us as if there were only one of us.
Augustine
Inspired by the Word of the Day challenge: Bedeck
Merry Christmas Everyone!! I love you all!
The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity. The creative mind plays with the objects it loves. Carl Jung
It’s been a battle between intellect & creativity for me this week. Right brain vs. left. I needed to do something playful because I wasn’t having much fun with what I’ve been doing—still tweaking the blog. O.C.D. much?!?
I know they don’t get seen much, but my intellect’s been telling me to delete the posts that are too irrelevant, remove old images that seem weird or boring, fix those accidental double line spaces, and edit some things I said in the past that now sound silly (Hey, this isn’t twitter! I can do a re-do, right?!)
So, speaking of silly; I mentioned that looking back on my story was a great gratitude exercise for me, but there’s something else that I noticed that’s been really eye opening for me. In every other post—be it a story or an image—I was constantly explaining myself and apologizing!
In introducing images, the opening line would read something like “well this didn’t really turn out like I wanted but…” or “I know this isn’t the clearest image but…” and if I was writing my thoughts—I said things like “well, this probably sounds silly but…”
When I took that short Writer’s Boot Camp course, I actually did that once with my instructor and he jumped all over me. “Never introduce your work by downplaying it like that. Your reader will have formed a negative opinion before they’ve even read what you wrote!” He said that when you do that it means that either your work actually DOES suck, or that you really DO think your work is good, but you’re fishing for compliments. There was a third option though; you have no confidence. In that case—he said—you probably shouldn’t pursue writing.
I’m not sure that hearing him say that ever really sunk in—in fact I’d forgotten all about it until now—but when I started going over the past I was shocked at how often I’ve done that! Almost every time!
What’s awesome about this is that I haven’t felt compelled to do that after coming back from my long break. I think that I’ve found some of that confidence that was missing before. That’s not to say that anything I write or create has improved—in fact I’d say that my skill levels are exactly where they were when I left off last year. Nothing has changed. Nothing… except my confidence!
It was so exciting to learn that this past week, and something that’s definitely worth sharing. Just keep on the path—turn it all over to God—and you see changes, growth, and transformations that you didn’t even expect!
That being said, I wanted to create an image that expressed my mood right now. Something with movement, something a little crazy & wild, and something abstract—that I’m not going to explain or apologize for.
I guess you could say that I’m bringing out the BOLD.
Life is good and God is great!
—Stay encouraged—
Just hours after I said that I don’t have much to share these days, all kinds of thoughts started churning around. I haven’t even slept well the past two nights because my mind’s been racing! It reminded me of all the times I proclaimed that I was going to do a new image series, and then the whole idea would just fizzle out. I can never seem to stick with a plan! This time it worked for my benefit though… sort of reverse psychology, I guess.
I was going through my files yesterday, doing a little housecleaning, and I came across one of my old posts; back when I first started the blog. It was such a great reminder to me, and the timing was perfect!
When my friend Gil first encouraged me to write, and to share my story with others, it was the first time in SO long that I felt my life had purpose. I not only had my sobriety, I had this HOPE that I could share with others. I think my exact words were that “I was going to write the story of how my life was transformed.”
I’m going to cut to the chase now: I’m ready for the next chapter!
I’ve had this idea—kind of a vision about my future—for over a year now. If you hadn’t noticed, my image here represents a page of my book. I know, I know, it’s not exactly spectacular and it kind of looks like a paper bag, but HEY, it’s slowly being turned to reveal the first page of the new chapter; Chapter Two.
But, there’s nothing there!
That’s exactly where my vision came from. One of the biggest hurdles that I had to get over in sobriety was to stay that way. 60 days, 90 days, the countdown went on. And on. Coming from a place where I’d done so much damage to my life that I was left standing in a pile of rubble, and then reaching all of those milestones and realizing that life was good, God was great, and that I was sober; I found myself at another hurdle. A more complicated hurdle. What next??
That’s how going back to school came about, and with every passing day my vision is morphing and growing, and becoming more and more possible. So… what next? I’d like to set up a program to work with others who are in recovery. People who have reached or are nearing that hurdle; that what next phase of their recovery. Getting sober is hard, but “living sober” is a journey. And for people like me who hit rock bottom, it means there’s a life to rebuild. A second chance. A new beginning!
I’m still making notes, doing my research, getting questions answered, and so on, but I thought that now was a good time to share the idea. I was hesitant because… well, sometimes I have a hard time sticking to a plan! But, a year’s gone by and the dream hasn’t gone away. It’s been blossoming, really. I pray about it a lot, and lately everything keeps pointing to the fact that this may actually come to fruition.
I’ll start small—baby steps—with just one person, but I gotta be honest here…
I’m dreaming BIG.
Expect great things from God. Attempt great things for God.
It’s been tough for me to post lately. Considering the old saying “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” I’ve come to a new and quite similar saying of my own – about myself and my writing – and I’m trying to live by it now.
“If you don’t have anything to say, don’t say anything at all.”
Actually, I thought about this while taking an English class over winter. Writing essays about emerging technologies and bullying on the internet, I found myself really questioning why it is I’m interested in writing, and why I found it so hard (or perhaps tedious is a better word) to write those essays. To make matters more confusing, I had also been pondering why graphic design was becoming less appealing to me after some of the projects I did for class.
It was the answer that came to me that I actually got excited about… in order for these things to work, they have to come from my heart.
That being said, I guess right now I don’t have much on my heart – well, except for complete joy and overflowing gratitude for this new sober life. And the fact that I still can’t believe I have this opportunity to go to school and experience the things I missed out on when I was young and confused. Sometimes I pinch myself to make sure it’s real!
Anyway, the good news is that I managed to get an “A” in the English class. I’m glad it’s over though! I also changed my major from Graphic Design to Psychology. Kind of a strange move, but for those of you who know me, it probably doesn’t come as a shock. I love to think and I love learning why we do what we do.
Graphic design is now my secondary field of study and I’m three classes away from getting a certificate. And I just started working for the Sports Department at the college, doing graphics for the sporting events through an internship, so it seems that everything is slowly falling into place!
That’s about all for now. I’ve got all sorts of new thoughts and ideas about life – and the future… so I hope to share more as time goes on. In the meantime, I feel a little like that bird in my picture – flying solo and feeling free.
Life is good and God is great! And the journey continues…
In the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you. -Leo Tolstoy
You can’t put her in a cage and expect her song to be about you. – JM Storm
This is the third time I’ve posted an image of our old, vacant birdhouse. The very first time was in black and white.
I did the old “make it look like a painting” editing job again, and I think I figured out why I’m so stuck on that lately. I’ve never been able to draw or paint. I guess I like to do something to my images that gives them that artsy feel because it’s something that I can’t do by hand. That being said, isn’t technology just wonderful!
Anyway, I was outside and that same Japanese Maple tree (with the spider web), where the birdhouse hangs, was letting the sun shine through like a spotlight on that little, old, weathered home. So… I couldn’t resist.
The quote came up when I was looking up sayings about birdhouses. I guess it’s like a cage- in a sense. 😉
I actually really like the quote. No offense to all the happily married people out there, but for me personally it makes me appreciate my “singleness” and freedom. It took a lot of effort for me to refrain from dating because my old beliefs were that a man would “make me whole”. That’s before I found God, of course.
Anyway, now that I’ve got my new mindset in place, it’s so nice to be able to focus on my recovery, my walk with God, art, photography and writing. And no crazy love drama that I was so used to creating. It’s a new “ME” and I really like the way it feels!
That’s about all for now. Off to writing class…
Peace! Love you guys!
Don’t trade in your authenticity for approval.
The photography book that I’ve been browsing through is really inspiring me. I’ve said before that I prefer black and whites, and that was actually the only thing I would hang on the walls of my old place, but I rarely finish and/or post one here.
So… I thought I would try one today. It was a struggle to go through with it, because the original photograph had some awesome color! But, I stuck to my guns. My goal here was to create contrast. I think I did pretty good lightening the sky, but the bushes and mountains in the background still leave some clutter that I’m not crazy about. I think I like it though!
This photograph was taken in Jerome, Arizona- the old 1800’s mining town I talked about before. I love old places!
I liked the idea of a “facade” for this post, because I was thinking about authenticity last night. I’m SUPER excited about being in a classroom full of people come August, but I have to admit that the introvert in me is kind of nervous. I work hard at not letting fear and insecurity get the best of me, and sometimes things go so smoothly that I wonder if I’m really even an introvert at all!
Once I’m comfortable with my surroundings, I don’t even think about it- but that first step into something new can be a little stressful! Especially if I think too much, and anticipate the anxiety. I definitely need to stop those kinds of thoughts.
This all went through my mind last night because I met some new friends for coffee yesterday. I can clearly see that it has a lot to do with my state of mind. I was in hermit mode all day, and spent a lot of time reading and on the computer. While driving to the coffee house, it felt similar to coming out of a dark movie theater- into the blinding light of day… it requires some adjustment!
Everything went fine, of course, but when I got home I felt my muscles relax and thought “boy, it’s good to be home again.” Does everyone feel like that at times? That’s what was going through my head last night.
After pondering it awhile, I decided that authenticity means just being me. And if being me means being a little anxious at times, maybe that’s OK. I accept that. I guess I’d be phony if I said I never get nervous! As long as I keep going and don’t let fear stop me from doing the things I want to do, there’s nothing to worry about!
As my pastor said the other night…
“It’s always too soon to quit.”
I like that!
Anyway, I thought these thoughts were worth sharing today. I guess the moral of the story is just be you, and don’t let fear win.
Have a beautiful day everyone!! Life is good and God is GREAT!
The poetry of earth is never dead. -John Keats
I needed to take a time out tonight and do something simple and relaxing. Believe it or not, I’m still archiving old images online and I found one that I love but haven’t worked on (or posted) yet.
This is Turquoise Lake, in Colorado. The clouds were awesome, so that’s actually what I was aiming to capture that day. It seems there’s a couple trees obstructing the view, but I like that you get the feel of what else was around me… a beautiful lake, blue sky, cool clouds, and lots and lots of TREES. That’s Colorado for you!
Anyway, I thought this photograph was perfect for my thoughts tonight.
About surrender.
A couple of weeks ago, someone shared their simple morning prayer. A surrender prayer. It’s actually a very popular one, but for some reason… on that particular day, it REALLY stuck with me.
“Thy will be done, not mine.”
I’ve prayed the same phrase MANY times before, but suddenly it feels a bit different. Each time that I say it I feel a pressure release- like meditating. It’s such a great reminder that I’m not the one at the controls, and all I really need to do is keep putting my best foot forward. And thank God for my salvation, sanity and sobriety, of course. 🙂
That’s about all for now. I hope that everyone has a beautiful, blessed week!
Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best.
Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success. —Henry Ford
This is a bit of a mishmosh of thoughts, but it all ties together.
First of all the image is just something I was toying around with. I combined three different photos I took of kids playing at the beach. Then I did some tinkering in Photoshop and Illustrator to create the look of a drawing. I added outlines to give it a poster kind of look and to (hopefully) tie in with the “come together” theme.
I had my first writing class last night and I have to say that it already has me thinking about how writing may (or may not) fit into my future. I’ll repeat what I shared in the class, as we each had to talk briefly about why we took the class. Since starting this blog, a recurring thought I’ve had is “Can I really WRITE? OR do I just know how to write about myself?”
I WILL say that the reason I started the blog WAS to share my story, and that whole part of it seemed to come with ease- but the idea of actually sitting down to write a novel or a screenplay still kind of freaks me out. Hopefully I will learn the answer to my question over these next five weeks. Anyway, the instructor stressed (and I’ve read this elsewhere, as well) that any good author should know thyself. What are you interested in? What do you like or dislike? Who are your favorite authors, and what are your favorite books, movies, etc.?
I wasn’t able to come up with exacts, but I know that I LOVE to hear about people coming together, and the heartwarming stories of personal victories. And those are stories you hear all over- in recovery and in church. So… that’s the direction I’m looking toward in this new season. Stories and images about people coming together and overcoming obstacles.
I’ll be hunting around awhile for my first story….
so please stay tuned.
There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. -John Lennon
Well… it seems that my study of the word trust kind of fizzled out. I knew a whole year on one word was not my cup of tea! 😉
Regardless, even a week (or a month) spent on studying a word is something I would recommend. It seems to work better as an evolving process for me. I move from one word to the next, as I learn and discover things.
Lately love, fear and courage are words that keep coming up.
I’m learning so much about self-love, which these days I would have to call acceptance. It’s not about my past, or about what anyone else thinks of me. And it’s not about what I have accomplished (or failed at); where I live, what I do for work, or even what I drive… it’s about being the best ME that I can be. And it’s about building character.
I read something about walking with God. It said that God cares more about how we handle our journey than about where we end up. Makes complete sense! And it helped me stop the worrying about where I’ll be in the future.
It really IS amazing how love and acceptance for yourself; for where you are at this very moment, changes your outlook on life… and your perceptions of others, too. The more I accept myself (just as I am), the kinder and more patient I seem to be.
Imagine that. 😉
The other thing- that I’ve probably heard (or read) a thousand times, but somehow never let sink in- was about fear and courage. That it’s not about the absence of fear, but the “courage to go on in spite of your fears”. I don’t know why but when I heard that the other day it finally clicked. It helped me truly accept the fact that YES I still fear things… but that’s OK… because I have courage now.
Anyway, I thought this was a good topic to go with my image. Opposing forces. A Yin and Yang kind of thing.
I got a load of new books from the library today and I can’t get myself to sit and read even one of them right now. I needed some art time. My meditation.
It’s so nice to simply clear my head… create… and just BE.
That’s about all for now. Happy Saturday… and Peace and Love to you all!
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. -Mark Twain
“Our prayers may be awkward. Our attempts may be feeble. But since the power of prayer is in the one who hears it and not in the one who says it, our prayers do make a difference.” – Max Lucado
My journey sure is getting interesting! Every day I learn a little something about myself, about my habits, and about the power of thoughts. Continue reading A Bright Burst
Indecision may or may not be my problem. -Jimmy Buffet
After altering this photograph enough times I decided to go for the variety pack image… (thanks for the suggestion Nickel boy) hence the somewhat applicable quote. 😉
I think the purple negative at bottom right is actually my favorite. Below are clickable versions for anyone interested.
After all of the reading I’ve been doing it was nice to sit and clear my head by working on this. But I’ll get back to my reading soon. I am absolutely fascinated by all things relating to psychology.
More and more light trickles in as I discover things about our minds, our personalities, and society- and it really HAS helped me with the whole self-acceptance thing. You know… something I realized is that it’s not looking back at my old self that gets me off track and feeling a little “less than”… it’s looking too far ahead.
I do believe that God is taking me to amazing places, but spending too much of my time and energy trying to zero in on what I think the future will (or should) look like is what’s been tripping me up. Especially when you consider that I spend a lot of time in my head.
It was SO enlightening to see the light! The past is gone, and I’ve let go of that… but trying to peer into the future is what’s been stealing my NOW moments. Not only do I miss what’s in front of me, but my self-acceptance starts to diminish- because I am HERE- NOT THERE… not in that futuristic imaginary place that I so vividly painted in my mind.
ONE STEP AT A TIME needs to be my mantra these days. I’ve already learned what God thinks about shortcuts, so the next indicated step is the only step I need to take. I’ll never be a thousand steps ahead if I don’t take those 999 other steps that lead there!
My old self was always in a hurry. Trying to get 1000 steps ahead in ONE death defying leap. 😉 But, no more!
Anyway… I guess it all comes back to living in the present, which I already knew! But I accept the fact that I forget– remind myself…
…and here I am again!
Right HERE, Right NOW! Being present! 🙂
Life is good, and God is GREAT! Love you guys!! Off to catch up on some of your posts! xo
Most people need love and acceptance a lot more than they need advice. Bob Goff
I forgot to include something in my previous post. I was trying to watch my word count, and I left out an important part of the story; which was the reason that I chose to do the visualization of my inner critic in the first place!
My friend that asked me to share Saturday night spoke after me, and something he said really stuck with me. About love and acceptance.
There’s something that I’ve felt I lacked… you know… that something that was holding me back from being more of service before. I thought perhaps it was the thought that I didn’t know enough, or maybe I didn’t have enough sobriety time, or…. ??
The point is that I’ve never been able to pinpoint what it was that was holding me back.
There are two sayings in the program that baffled me, because they are almost conflicting. One is you can’t transmit something you haven’t got… and the second is that you have to give it away to keep it.
I have God and I have sobriety. I have peace, and joy, and serenity (most of the time). But something still didn’t seem right. What was I missing?!? Did I have IT or NOT?
Anyway… his share was about having love and acceptance for yourself. Because if you don’t have THAT, you can’t very well transmit it.
Wow. Was I ever glad that I went to that meeting. That’s what I’ve been missing!
In doing the 4th step (my fearless and searching moral inventory), and in learning about humility, so much time, focus, and energy had to be spent on discovering what was wrong with me. My faulty beliefs, my wrong thoughts and actions, and my character defects.
And I totally understand that, and am so grateful that God opened my eyes!
But, somewhere in the process… that nasty inner critic of mine took up residency and he likes to hammer away at me. Not constantly, but usually about the time that everything seems to be going really well. That’s when he starts sending me negative messages. Those imaginary roadblocks; like fear and doubt.
I know that God loves me. There is no question there. He has removed the desire to drink from me, and has shown me how to live. But sometimes my light just doesn’t SHINE.
How can I shine if I’m not feeling good about myself?!?
YES… I need to keep an eye on my thoughts, actions and motives… But NO… I can’t allow that old negative geezer to pick me apart.
So that’s what prompted this. And things are going GREAT.
I’ve got some new ideas for writing and images, something that will benefit others, and I will share more as things unfold. In the meantime, I have an interview tomorrow at a staffing agency. Just for some temp work while I get things back in order. Well, that’s the plan anyway.
Life is good and God is GREAT.
Peace and Love Everyone!!
I mentioned before that I felt I was entering a new season, and… well… I believe that it’s here! This seems to be a season of learning for me. That being said, you’ll probably hear from me a little less often, simply because it means talking (or writing) less and listening (or reading) more.
Funny thing about saying I’ll be writing less. I actually plan to write MORE, but less on the blog and more in my private journal and some short story projects. As interesting things come up, I will definitely share… but I want to focus on completing projects before I write about them. I seem to be one of those people that halts action once I share the steps I plan to take. It’s like I jinx myself! As a precautionary measure, I’m keeping things to myself until I actually finish the tasks I want to complete.
I’ve learned some fascinating things about Introverts. I picked up another book called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking, by Susan Cain. And about 6 other library books about behavior and character.
Did you know that around 1920, America began the shift from a Culture of Character to a Culture of Personality. Americans were being captivated by people who were bold and entertaining- while being shy (or introverted) was becoming the uncool thing. That’s when people started becoming performers to impress others, or just to fit in.
And what followed next?
Understandably…. the popularity of “anti-anxiety” drugs!!
In the 1960’s an ad campaign for a tranquilizer read “FOR THE ANXIETY THAT COMES FROM NOT FITTING IN.”
Wow! I never saw that ad (that I can recall), but I discovered that alcohol was a great tranquilizer, none the less. And it certainly did the trick, and helped me perform. That’s just crazy!!
I’ve reached a new level of understanding (and appreciation) of the Scripture “Do not conform to the pattern of this world…”
Anyway, I just thought I would share that. I’m not sure where God is leading me with all of this, but I can tell you that these books have given me something. As the author of Quiet stated- she hoped that readers, at the very least– would take away a sense of “entitlement” to be themselves. I get it!
I’m really looking forward to seeing where all of this is going. I feel more comfortable lately, and am much more accepting of myself. I am more calm and relaxed, and the idea of speaking in front of groups isn’t bothering me much anymore, either. Probably because I’m spending less time beating myself up for not being different than I am.
Maybe now that I’ve UNLEARNED so much of my bad thinking and behavior… God is helping me learn about how He created me to be?! Who knows?! This journey is getting exciting, and I TRUST that He’s taking me to new and wonderful places. 🙂
HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!! He Is Risen and He LIVES!
Love you all and hope that you have a blessed weekend.
The image is the sky in Leadville, Colorado—taken from my living room window.
Fish Out of Water!
That heading is from a book that I’m reading and I just HAVE to share about it. Yesterday was a really tough day. I met with my sponsor and we talked about my re-entry into the business world. At some point in the conversation I felt overwhelmed and started to cry.
Every time I talk (or think) about this upcoming job search, this crazy fear comes out in me. Fear of mental exhaustion is what I’ve been calling it. I haven’t felt ready to go back to ANYTHING full-time, at ALL. Not right now anyway.
After our meeting I felt a bit beaten, sad… and VERY tired. I felt myself sinking into a depression, BUT… I held on and did what she had suggested. I reviewed my resentments (which happen to pertain to some old business relationships), and my character defects… and read some of the A.A. prayers. One of those prayers is asking God to remove the defects that are standing in the way of my usefulness.
One thing that’s been bothering me for awhile is this feeling that I just can’t seem to get OUT of myself. I feel like I spend so much time pondering, self-reflecting, thinking, overthinking, and then self-reflecting more. So much thinking! And I LOVE my solitude- which has also worried me- because isolation is dangerous for alcoholics.
For months now I’ve had this nagging fear that I’m just too self-absorbed, and that it’s going to be a life-long struggle to break free from this bondage of SELF.
Shortly after the prayers were done, I was looking in my Kindle for a book to re-read. One of the “recommended for you” books caught my eye. I knew that I HAD to read it!
The Introvert Advantage: How to thrive in an Extrovert World, by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D.
It talks about feeling like a fish out of water, and I thought about the years that I suffered from that dreadful teenage angst… and all the times since then, as an adult, that I’ve felt like that flopping fish, as well.
Anyway, this book is a gift to me from God. I’m sure of it. I’ve always thought that I learned this introverted behavior (from my mother, no less) and that I NEED to change this tendency to focus inward. What I’ve discovered, instead, is that it’s how our brains are wired. Introverts focus inward to get energy! And the ratio is one introvert to three extroverts, so YEAH, we DO feel like a fish out of water sometimes.
Our brains LITERALLY work differently than extroverts. And there are ways that we can monitor ourselves and learn to use our energy wisely- and not get so fatigued. This information is going to help me a great deal in figuring out what kind of work to pursue!
So a bad day turned into a great day! I also mentioned it in my meeting today and the woman sitting right in front of me had read the very same book when she felt that something was wrong with her. Crazy.
What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be. Ellen Burstyn
On another note… I did another panel tonight! Things went great. Not only am I finding out out how to conserve my energy levels, I’m also learning to condense my story, so I can tell a good share in less than ten minutes now.
That’s about all for now.
I hope that everyone is having a great evening, morning or afternoon! Peace and Love…
We need never shout across the spaces to an absent God. He is nearer than our own soul, closer than our most secret thoughts. A.W. Tozer
I thought I’d do one image before I head off to bed. I took a very, VERY long nap earlier this evening and I really do hope I am able to sleep tonight! I wanted something to do to keep my mind quiet.
Tomorrow afternoon I’m leading an A.A. meeting, down the street from my house. This means about ten to fifteen minutes of telling my story, or at least share about what’s helped me stay sober. I’ve been mindful not to worry about it… mainly made some bullet points… and I’m staying in the zone of not overthinking it.
Anyway, the image is from south Texas and I thought it looked like somewhere I’d like to be sitting right now, to be quiet and still. The water looks a bit like mud, but I wanted to keep the colors soft and neutral… so it’s still pretty close to how it looked when I was there in 2011. For the most part.
I hope that your week ahead is a blessed one.
Peace and love!
I found the words this morning! So, I am going to go with it, with very little editing… so I hope this all makes sense. I guess the coolest thing I’ve found about studying the word trust is that it keeps leading me to new words.
This morning the word was REST.
First of all… here is what I’ve learned about what it means to trust God…
He is a place of refuge, and (in) Him we are surrounded by His protection and embraced by His compassion. Trusting Him means: to lean on Him, to rely on Him, to hold onto Him, to flee to Him for protection, to stay, to hope, to expect, to be patient, and to linger in expectation… and wait.
It also has a lot to do with being on the inside. Examples are:
to be firm (in), to confide (in), to have confidence (in), to be secure (in), to seek refuge (in), to feel safe (in), to have assurance (in), to abide (in) and to find rest (in).
This morning finding rest in Him was what I decided to focus on because it relates to surrender…
My struggles with surrender have very LITTLE to do with “lack of trust” in God, but have everything to do with what I am accustomed to; which is ME being in charge.
That’s my former way of life.
I spent DECADES as an unbeliever, so the fact of the matter is… I spent decades trying to play God. I was seated on the throne, and I remained there until my imaginary kingdom was in ruins, and I was as close as I ever want to be to… death from alcohol.
Anyway, I feel really good right now because I know it just takes time.
When I call myself an alcoholic it feels really weird. I don’t drink anymore, nor do I have any desire to. But… as they say… alcoholism is but a symptom. In truth, alcohol is just ONE of things that I’ve been addicted to, chased, followed or even worshiped. False gods.
My life was FULL of them; Alcohol, drugs, money, success, shopping, and the love of a man… to name a few.
I won’t say that I sat on this imaginary throne feeling all-powerful, because I had very LITTLE power. I just didn’t know any better. I lived a life run by self-will, and I sought anything and everything that I thought would fill that huge void, make me happy, and fix my life.
Page 62 of the A.A. big book states “…the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot” and that is truer and true. I ran rampant!
Not until I had no other options… and was completely and utterly hopeless, did I look to God. But, He did exactly what He promises to do. He was there for me, and He led me out of that dark pit. Even after decades of rebellion.
So… what does this have to do with today? Well… what I discovered recently was that although I have great passion for writing and photography, those are “extras”. They are His blessings, and I cannot REST in those things, nor can I look to them to be the source of my happiness and security.
This is something that I was feeling inside, so it might not be so obvious to anyone else. But the fact of the matter is, what is happening inside of us is THE most important thing.
I began pursuing something and… without really realizing it… I was leaving God behind. I put something else FIRST. I ended up feeling irritable, confused, a little lost… and depressed. I knew something was wrong. Everything was bugging me. My camera was not good enough. I couldn’t find the right things to take pictures of, I was tired of trees and birds, yada yada yada. That’s one reason I was so happy to go to my sister’s house for a week. I needed to regroup.
Anyway… I realized what was wrong, admitted my problem, took a U-turn, and there He was. Waiting for me to return so that He could shower me with His love and surround me with His grace. How sweet is that?!
Everything is just as it should be today. And I came across a great quote that I want to keep close to me from here on out:
That’s so easy to remember, and a great reminder for me to stay OFF of that throne.
I need to surrender daily, and simply allow the King to be King. In HIS kingdom is where I am content, loved and full of joy…
…and it is where I find my REST.
Today is a good day, and God is GREAT!!!
Success is not what I’ve done compared with what others have done. Success is what I’ve done compared with what God has called me to do. Lecrae Moore, Unashamed
This doesn’t mean I’ve given up on my art. No way!! I’ve just put it back into it’s proper place in my priorities.
I wanted to do something colorful tonight, so here you have it!
Writer’s block has been preventing me from writing much of anything about my study of the word TRUST. Every single time I’ve tried! So weird! Anyway… I’m surrendering on the production of that post. At least until the words come streaming in. And I trust that they will. In time.
I WILL share something beautiful that I found though! What I’ve been searching around for are the various meanings of the Hebrew and Greek words that are translated to the English word trust in the Bible- and I took this from one of my many finds.
Trust has to do with being surrounded and protected in His mercy. Trust is to distinguish that He is good, and to be wrapped and swaddled in the goodness of His everlasting arms.
You can’t beat that. Who doesn’t love to be wrapped and swaddled in God’s everlasting arms?!? Anyway, things are going great! I’ve been going to more meetings, reading a lot, and really feeling at peace. I’ve got a couple of people keeping their eyes and ears open for part time job opportunities, and I’m taking everything one day at a time.
As it should be.
Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it. Ferris Bueller’s day off
Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible. Francis of Assisi
I’m not a huge fan of pastels, but I thought this was a good fit for the season. And I’m pretty sure that this is a dove. Pigeons and doves confuse me sometimes.
I don’t know if I shared that quote before, but it’s been my mantra for the past week and will continue to be for awhile. I realized recently that I was getting WAY ahead of myself for a little while. Or way ahead of God I should say. Sometimes I get some grandiose ideas and then I realize that there are still very small things that I’ve yet to tackle!
That’s a bit humbling. And alcoholic thinking.
Anyway, I guess a good thing to remember when walking with God is to walk WITH Him, not a mile or so ahead! What’s funny is I’ve been thinking about that a lot and wanted to do a post called No Shortcuts! Then today, I’m reading In the Grip of Grace, by Max Lucado and I came across this:
“What we consider shortcuts God sees as disasters.”
Amen to that. I’ve taken shortcuts for so many years that it’s still a struggle to pause and be still sometimes, but I am definitely making progress! And I’m going to be working on the little things that need to be done. For now. 🙂
I may still write that post. Later. For now it’s time for lights out.
Have a beautiful day!
I’ve had an unusually hard time finding interesting things to photograph, so I’m sticking with my plan to try new and different ways to edit and display them. In case it’s not clear, this is a tree framed on a scroll. (it’s hard to know how it’ll look on various devices!)
I’m also going to spend more time on ONE image. I’m always pointing out what I could have done differently… so from now on I’m doing things slower, and hope to make those changes first– then post. I’m aiming for improvement now, rather than speed. (which is a real feat for this speed demon!)
In other news… and speaking of being slow… I’ve been in no rush to update my other blog because I’m really thinking things through. Being young in both recovery and my walk with God, I’m finding more and more that I still have ample work to do. Nourishing my soul and allowing my roots to grow deeper, for starters.
My relationship with God MUST come first, before anything. So I’m spending more time with Him on a daily basis… and thinking about business (and other things) a little less. What’s funny is that I feel SO much better!! And stronger!
I think those tugs and nudges I felt before were His attempts to rein me in. In fact I’m sure of it. As A.W. Tozer once said: sometimes the Holy Spirit’s work in us can be harsh… similar to breaking a wild horse. Boy, can I relate!!
Anyway… that’s about all for now. Life is good and God is great!
God’s highest dream is not to make us rich, not to make us successful or popular or famous. God’s dream is to make us right with Him. Max Lucado, In the Grip of Grace
Separating topics is not easy. Not on the blog, anyway. I did some tinkering and there is no logical way to do it. I think that going to regular A.A. meetings (and looking to be of service) was the real STEP that I needed to take, and I’m doing that. At least I’m gaining clarity!
Anyway, it’s been four whole days since I started studying the word TRUST, and I want to share my first day. I chose Psalm 40, verse 4.
Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not turn to the proud, to those who go astray after a lie!
What REALLY struck (and amazed) me were verses 1-3.
I waited patiently for the Lord; He inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.
Can I relate to that?!? He pulled me from the PIT of alcoholism, made my steps secure, and put a new song in my mouth? Yes! Yes indeed. As I said… this word study started off with a beautiful bang. A great reminder of what He’s already done for me. I have a renewed sense of gratitude these days!
I SEE now- how easy it is to get distracted. Thinking TOO much about what’s next, and losing sight of what’s GREAT… TODAY, right NOW!!
Love always, laugh often, and enjoy every moment.
Trust: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.
Well… I’m starting something new!
I’m making my way back into A.A. meetings, and still very passionate about writing, photography and art- but I’m adding on to my activities. I need variety and more balance in my life. Continue reading Trust
So… I guess this would be the portion of my blog where I share about my walk, and where I’m at; the My Journey section. Maybe I over-complicated the whole thing by trying to explain it. I do that sometimes. In time it will all make sense. The main thing I want to do is properly categorize.
I hope to organize this “hodgepodge of a blog” and it ain’t easy. Eventually I will nail it.
I emailed my sponsor about my decision to dive back into A.A. and to start making myself more available to be of service (which I guess you could call re-committing). I just love her! Her reply was right on point…
“We can preach a better sermon with our lives than our mouths.”
One thing I failed to mention in my last post is that ALL of the meetings I’ve been attending these past six months are not your typical A.A. meetings. That information probably helps to make sense of my thoughts.
Monday night recovery is actually a class at my church, and it’s taught by our pastor (who has about 35+ years of sobriety).
Thursday and Saturday, my meetings are both through Overcomer’s Outreach, which is a Christian 12 step support group. We practice the twelve steps, but we also read Scripture… talk about Jesus… and share with the group about where we are in our lives.
We also go out to eat a lot.
It is for any and all addictions or compulsive behaviors, and Al-anon… so pretty much anyone who wants to recovery from anything. I would highly recommend this program.
My sponsor has tried to tell me (a few times actually) that it would be “most helpful” if I was to get back into regular meetings, because those are the meetings that need more light. I guess I’ve been looking at it through my self-seeking lens… which told me that I only want to attend meetings that fill me up.
Feeling stuck lately made me realize that my involvement in the program isn’t to sit around and soak it all in. You have to give it away. That’s the whole purpose of step 12; to get OUT of myself and share all that stuff I’ve been soaking in. Wring out the sponge, so to speak.
Anyway- I made it to a regular meeting this afternoon and got to see lots of old peeps, took over the phone list commitment, and got some information about being on a panel that visits hospitals and institutions.
So… things are moving along today. I know I’m going in the right direction because a little teeny cloud of guilt that’s been hanging over my head has suddenly dissipated.
Amazing.
Life is good, and God is great!!
Awhile back I received a private message from someone about my blog. In the message, they mentioned something about my attachment to religion. Believe it or not, the very first thought I had was:
“RELIGION!?! I’m not attached to religion! I have a relationship with God!”
I didn’t reply to the message with that thought, but it’s exactly what came to mind. Where on earth does my blog say that I am attached to religion? If you were to review my posts all the way back to day one, I would bet a dollar that you would rarely- if ever– find the word religion. Not that I intentionally omit it, mind you, it’s just a word that I don’t use very often. Or even think of really.
So… today is actually the perfect day for this post. It is the seven month anniversary of my baptism. Alright, so maybe THAT sounds religious. Anyway, my point is that today is a good day to share what I’ve been learning this past week- which will also explain more about my desire to separate topics on the blog. Sobriety and MY walk with God…
I’m not afraid to admit my mistakes. Optimism is a real blessing when it comes to recognizing my wrong thinking. I become excited (and grateful) that I’m fortunate enough to be learning lessons, because that is growth! And I learn a little more about humility, and sometimes even humiliation… but that’s OK. I’ve seen far worse things than that!
What I’m being led to these days is that my thoughts on how to approach others who want to recover has been a bit off. It seems as though I was right in feeling that I wasn’t quite ready, because it appears that I was NOT! I’ve done a little more rewording in my big book reading, and how it applies to ME, step 12, and my approach toward others:
“Because of my own drinking experience, I can be uniquely useful to other alcoholics.
I CANNOT start out as an evangelist or reformer.
Tell the other person exactly what happened to ME. Stress the spiritual feature freely. If the person be agnostic or atheist, make it emphatic that they do not have to agree with MY conception of God. They can choose any conception they like, provided it makes since to THEM.
The main thing is that they be willing to believe in a Power greater than themselves, and that they live by spiritual principles.
Use everyday language to describe spiritual principles. There is no use arousing any prejudice they may have against certain theological terms and conceptions about which they may already be confused.
Don’t raise such issues, no matter what your own convictions are!”
Being stuck in your alcoholism (or any addiction) is sometimes referred to as being in the pit. And I know that this is true, because I’ve been there. A few times!
A friend of mine uses the phrase “going down into the trenches” for working with other alcoholics, and it actually works as the perfect analogy for what came to me the other night; so here it is…
Someone is down in the pit. I am standing up above the pit, on safe ground, and they are calling up to me for help. The way I was headed with my original thoughts was to call down to them: “Seek God!! Pray!! He can help you if you let Him… but first you must believe!”
If you’ve followed my posts awhile, I think you might see that this has been my mindset… and BOY does it sound silly now… as I write this. What would REALLY benefit them is if I was to go down into that trench (pit) with them, listen and get to know them, tell them about MY experiences in the pit… and then show them the steps that led ME out, and will lead THEM out if they are willing to take those steps.
My job is not to preach, it is to help.
God never forces Himself on anyone, nor does He expect me to. We are His body, and I am confident that He would prefer that I forgo any thoughts about preaching, and get my butt down there, in that trench, and help get that person out!
So… that explains my reasons for wanting to separate the topics. When I talk about recovery, I want to teach myself how to speak of it correctly…
…which is without prejudice.
Of course the other lesson I am learning is READ YOUR BOOKS!
Blessings-
Humility is the mother of giants. One sees great things from the valley; only small things from the peak. G.K. Chesterton
Just when the caterpillar thought her life was over… she began to fly.
I’m scrapping all of my old image ideas today.
One year ago yesterday I was checking myself into the hospital, totally polluted. Today is the one year anniversary of my first day of sobriety, so I’m calling this day ONE. Continue reading Day One
