Endless Rivers

of Hope

typewriter

Dear Diary, It’s the 6th of April, the month that I vowed NOT to step on the scale. Why is it so damn hard? When I brought up eternity the other day, there was another definition that I skipped right over and it’s pretty applicable right now: a long period of time that seems endless. …

Continue reading

Out(side) of Time

April 4, 2020

Black and White Portrait

This morning I read a ‘daily email’ on the subject of Eternity. One of the definitions is: A state of existence outside of time, and this particular meaning reminded me of something that happened years back—something that’s perfect for today’s Daily Gratitude.

When I was going in and out of sobriety—and making a mess of what little life I had left—one of the things that I had to do was move in with my mother. Things were tough for MANY months. Even though I was staying sober, there was a LOT of friction between the two of us.

I babysat my grandsons for some of those months, and I would often walk the youngest in a stroller while his brother was at school. I remember praying a lot… asking God to remove the character defects that stood in the way of me “being a better daughter;” the selfishness that caused me to act out, the self-pity that made react like a child (because I felt like one for being there) and the bitterness that I felt inside.

On this particular day, I remember feeling frustrated. I pushed the stroller across the bridge (pictured in The Hot Seat) and listened to music as I prayed about it. Stopping on the other side of the bridge, I turned back and looked at the house. I had never really seen our house from that perspective. I’m sure I may have decades ago—when I was a child—but none that I remember.

Anyway, that moment felt like eternity to me; as if I had escaped time. The house looked sad and empty. I knew my mother was inside, but from where I was standing the life—her loving spirit that filled it and made it a home—was missing. It seemed as though I was not seeing, but feeling the future… with my mother gone. All that stood before me was a sad old house.

I had no question it was a sign. A glimpse into what my future could be like if my perspective didn’t change… a life filled with remorse and regret… full of if onlys and what ifs. I’ll never forget that day, and I’m forever grateful for it.

It’s as if… just for a moment… God allowed me to step outside of time.

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed today’s Daily Gratitude!

A word about the image here.

This is kind of random, but it’s actually another one of my personalized portraits. The gentleman is a dear friend of mine, and I took the photograph when we were at the beach sometime back. I’ve been wanting to use it and could never quite figure out how. I thought it was perfect for a state of existence outside of time since he seems to be peering in at us—through the glass of a fast moving vehicle.

And more thoughts! This morning I woke up tired of thinking. That doesn’t happen very often. In the short time I’ve been awake, I felt droopy, slightly discouraged, and have been questioning some of my own ideas. And then I stumbled on this image and thought that maybe I just need to change the way …

Continue reading

Sloth

If our pain doesn’t destroy us, it might just transform us into truly human beings at last. – Frederick Buechner I’m not very good at finishing books. I’d say that I’m halfway through 4 or 5 at the moment; maybe more. One in particular, A Crazy, Holy Grace: The Healing Power of Pain and Memory, …

Continue reading

Fluidity

March 31, 2020

Black and White Blossoms

Before I dig into any New Lifestyle, New Me updates, I thought I’d share some thoughts I’ve had on this COVID-19 dilemma, social distancing, and how it’s helping me come up with some new ideas.

Staying away from crowds, as I’ve mentioned, hasn’t been difficult. Dealing with the recent rains, on the other hand, was pretty tough! Especially when I finally had my step counter on, and had nowhere to go—but around, in circles—inside our (not so large) house.

Now… however, the sky is blue and I’ve never been so happy to get outside, breath in some fresh air, and feel the warm sun hit my face. All I can think of is that Cinderella song… Don’t know what you got (Til it’s gone).

I don’t know how to phrase it exactly, a wake-up call maybe? Like stop your complaining about silly little things because things could always be worse… much, much worse, in fact. It seems like we’re being called to reevaluate priorities, and revisit our gratitude lists. Well, it feels that way to me.

That being said, I thought I’d add something new to the mix. For every day that I’m here at home—under the social distancing rule—besides working on my Lifestyle Changes, I’m going to add a new gratitude post.

I don’t think there could be a better time for expressing a little thankfulness.

Thanks for reading and I hope you’ll stay tuned!

The featured photograph was taken in my backyard. I’ve been taking my camera out there a lot. I sit in a chair in the sun and look around, waiting for things to catch my eye (many more to come). They are actually blooms on my son’s ornamental cabbage that has bolted. I love the way everything grows and flows so freely, nature is so fluid.

Gives you Lemons. Life has definitely thrown a curve ball. A part of me wonders if it’s the perfect opportunity to postpone my New Lifestyle, New Me adventure, but the other part of me—the pushy and persistent side—will just not let that happen. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this crazy, twisted, and often …

Continue reading